Wednesday, August 26, 2009
August 26
One year after Chase's due date. Rough day. So thankful to have Jocelyn in my arms this year!
Sunday, June 7, 2009
A Change of Seasons
A year ago I was hitting the end of fertility treatments. I'd never liked the idea of my babies being frozen, but with IVF that was the only thing I could do to give my babies a shot at life...So when Chase died my heart and mind turned to those frozen babies sitting in their test tubes. I had failed one baby and wanted to rescue the others as soon as I was healthy. But that took longer than I'd hoped. Last June when I went in to get ready to start a cycle for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) they found a large cyst on my ovary. The doctor didn't want to move forward with the cycle until that cyst cleared up because the hormones released by the ovary could affect an embryo's ability to implant. So I was prescribed birth control pills. I took them for two weeks hoping that they'd shrink my cyst. Instead, when I went back to the doctor I had 4 more cysts (much smaller than the first). I left completely discouraged because my doctor's only advice was to stay on the birth control and wait.
I had reached the end of my rope. I couldn't do it. Birth control pills aren't my favorite anyway because they give me awful canker sores in my mouth and on my tongue--and besides, if they were supposed to keep my body from making more cysts they obviously weren't doing their job! So in tears I called my doctor's office and told them I was taking a break. The nurse agreed with me (I'm sure I sounded a little unbalanced on that phone call!)
That summer I was refreshed and renewed. I exercised and counted calories (not that it helped me lose weight, but I was finally in control of something in my life and it felt good!).
This June is different:
But in many ways God has restored what has been lost. I'll always miss my son...and it will hit me at moments like this when I look at the picture of Melissa and me and realize there should be one in the photo album of Nikki and me (we were due days apart too)...But what a blessing to have another friend to share the excitement of pregnancy with me! What a blessing to be expecting the daughter I never thought I'd have. My babies are all home now, one way or another. Many of them I won't see until I reach heaven's gates--but they are in good Hands...
For those who grieve, it doesn't really end, but it does get gentler. It's the strangest things that bring that ache back too...I catch myself saying that I don't know what I'd do with 2 boys (you know...when Aiden is riding helter skelter down the driveway and nearly flipping his tricycle)...and then my eyes well up because I feel like I should never even think that. I was blessed to have my 2nd boy and I feel as though I've been a traitor to his memory for even thinking that two boys would be too much! Even so, the pain isn't that heavy, can't-breathe-anymore pain that I had at first. It's gentler--kind of like the misty rain that brings on the rainbow and soaks gardens in the spring to bear fruit in the summer...Seasons change...winter brings spring and spring turns to summer. As long as God wills it, life goes on...
I had reached the end of my rope. I couldn't do it. Birth control pills aren't my favorite anyway because they give me awful canker sores in my mouth and on my tongue--and besides, if they were supposed to keep my body from making more cysts they obviously weren't doing their job! So in tears I called my doctor's office and told them I was taking a break. The nurse agreed with me (I'm sure I sounded a little unbalanced on that phone call!)
That summer I was refreshed and renewed. I exercised and counted calories (not that it helped me lose weight, but I was finally in control of something in my life and it felt good!).
This June is different:
But in many ways God has restored what has been lost. I'll always miss my son...and it will hit me at moments like this when I look at the picture of Melissa and me and realize there should be one in the photo album of Nikki and me (we were due days apart too)...But what a blessing to have another friend to share the excitement of pregnancy with me! What a blessing to be expecting the daughter I never thought I'd have. My babies are all home now, one way or another. Many of them I won't see until I reach heaven's gates--but they are in good Hands...For those who grieve, it doesn't really end, but it does get gentler. It's the strangest things that bring that ache back too...I catch myself saying that I don't know what I'd do with 2 boys (you know...when Aiden is riding helter skelter down the driveway and nearly flipping his tricycle)...and then my eyes well up because I feel like I should never even think that. I was blessed to have my 2nd boy and I feel as though I've been a traitor to his memory for even thinking that two boys would be too much! Even so, the pain isn't that heavy, can't-breathe-anymore pain that I had at first. It's gentler--kind of like the misty rain that brings on the rainbow and soaks gardens in the spring to bear fruit in the summer...Seasons change...winter brings spring and spring turns to summer. As long as God wills it, life goes on...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
He is Risen Indeed!
Easter will always be a time of mixed emotions for me. It was Easter Sunday that Mike and I rushed to the ER and that's a sad memory, but at the same time, without the risen Son, Chase's death would have been a tragedy. Instead, we stand firm on the promises of God knowing that because Christ died for our sins, Chase has a home in heaven and we'll see him there.
This Easter our small church has been shattered by another loss. One of the men in our church died suddenly of a heart attack this past week. He leaves behind a sweet wife (who incidentally was very supportive when I lost Chase b/c she had endured losing 2 of her babies at later stages of pregnancy as well)and 3 young children. In some ways I can't fathom such loss, the loss of a lover and best friend, and in other ways I know I've experienced life-shattering loss and found that indeed, there is no victory for the grave and no sting in death. The only reason for that is Christ's resurrection! He is risen indeed!
This Easter our small church has been shattered by another loss. One of the men in our church died suddenly of a heart attack this past week. He leaves behind a sweet wife (who incidentally was very supportive when I lost Chase b/c she had endured losing 2 of her babies at later stages of pregnancy as well)and 3 young children. In some ways I can't fathom such loss, the loss of a lover and best friend, and in other ways I know I've experienced life-shattering loss and found that indeed, there is no victory for the grave and no sting in death. The only reason for that is Christ's resurrection! He is risen indeed!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Uncharted territory
Tomorrow marks 27 weeks and I had an OB visit today. She was SO excited to see me at this point. Uncharted territory is what she called it. It HAS been 4 years!
Things are going well. I do have a low-lying placenta, which isn't as dangerous as the placenta previa I had with Chase's pregnancy, but it still warrants watching. I'm measuring larger than normal too. As the doctor said, this girl's an over-achiever...I think someone told her that she was only rated a 3- or 2+ on a 5 point scale as an embryo and she's making up for lost growing time :-).
The really exciting news is that my appointments are now 2 weeks apart. I can't believe that we're to that point already! And in other ways it seems to have taken years to get here. I have my moments where I wonder if I'll remember how to change a diaper, latch on a baby, or care for the umbilical cord (thankfully there is no circumcision to deal with here). I'm sure it'll be natural again in no time--and God's timing may not be mine--but it's perfect.
Uncharted territory isn't always a bad thing.
Things are going well. I do have a low-lying placenta, which isn't as dangerous as the placenta previa I had with Chase's pregnancy, but it still warrants watching. I'm measuring larger than normal too. As the doctor said, this girl's an over-achiever...I think someone told her that she was only rated a 3- or 2+ on a 5 point scale as an embryo and she's making up for lost growing time :-).
The really exciting news is that my appointments are now 2 weeks apart. I can't believe that we're to that point already! And in other ways it seems to have taken years to get here. I have my moments where I wonder if I'll remember how to change a diaper, latch on a baby, or care for the umbilical cord (thankfully there is no circumcision to deal with here). I'm sure it'll be natural again in no time--and God's timing may not be mine--but it's perfect.
Uncharted territory isn't always a bad thing.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
The day my water broke...
One year ago today it was dawning on us that we'd be losing our little boy. My water broke on March 24 sometime between 8 and 9am. I'm so thankful that it is this year and we have so many blessings to count.
It's still dawning on me how rare it was to have my water break the way it did. When your high-risk OB who performs over 10,000 procedures a year remembers consulting on your case the year before, you know it's rare. As much as I've always wished my doctors would keep things straight and remember me from one visit to the next, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
I'm not sure how we'll spend the day on Thursday. I'm crying myself to sleep more at night and having dreams of my little boy--so the grief is there in the quiet hours, but I also have a lot of joy to focus on, knowing that our baby is now 25 weeks along, and each day gives her a greater chance of survival--but the best news is that I've been healthy, so there is really no reason for my water to break unexpectedly.
In a way she is a link to Chase. Conceived on the same day and frozen in time until God had shown the doctors exactly what was wrong with me, in a way Chase's death brought her life...and so God works everything for good. Romans 8:28. My baby boy toddles around the streets of heaven knowing no pain and my pain is eased when our daughter's soft kicks remind me that we have a new arrival to anticipate. One day we'll all be reunited again in a world that is much better off than this one.
It's still dawning on me how rare it was to have my water break the way it did. When your high-risk OB who performs over 10,000 procedures a year remembers consulting on your case the year before, you know it's rare. As much as I've always wished my doctors would keep things straight and remember me from one visit to the next, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
I'm not sure how we'll spend the day on Thursday. I'm crying myself to sleep more at night and having dreams of my little boy--so the grief is there in the quiet hours, but I also have a lot of joy to focus on, knowing that our baby is now 25 weeks along, and each day gives her a greater chance of survival--but the best news is that I've been healthy, so there is really no reason for my water to break unexpectedly.
In a way she is a link to Chase. Conceived on the same day and frozen in time until God had shown the doctors exactly what was wrong with me, in a way Chase's death brought her life...and so God works everything for good. Romans 8:28. My baby boy toddles around the streets of heaven knowing no pain and my pain is eased when our daughter's soft kicks remind me that we have a new arrival to anticipate. One day we'll all be reunited again in a world that is much better off than this one.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Update
It has been a long time since I've updated Chase's blog. Part of it is because I'm trying to just enjoy the pregnancy of my little girl and I just don't want grief to be a part of that. Part of it is a lack of time between pregnancy fatigue, trying to lay low any time I get a smidge of cramping, and my writing business (or hobby, if you look at my taxes)...
So far our little miracle is doing great. She is well photographed due to being high-risk, but the high-risk doctor feels that our situation was just a bizarre fluke and that it doesn't put me at any higher risk this pregnancy...Still, just to be on the safe side he is monitoring our little girl very closely. We've had ultrasounds every few weeks and had the joy of finding out that we're expecting a girl around 16 weeks--much earlier than the normal 20 week ultrasound--not good since I've been shopping since I found out. My regular OB is also being extremely cautious. She has already had me on 2 rounds of antibiotics at different points and will be putting me on antibiotics during delivery just to be safe.
It did turn out that my UTI and vaginal infection (which is what most likely caused my water to break) were from the exact same bacteria. I'm printing that here only so that any of you who are pregnant and suspect a UTI will take it VERY seriously.
We are now 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My OB told me that 24 weeks is the point of viability for a baby. Obviously we want this little one to make it to full term, and there's no reason to believe she won't, but if she does come after 24 weeks, the prognosis is not as grim as Chase's was. So we'll be breathing easier in a few weeks.
One thing that has been difficult was the lack of exercise. I'm allowed to exercise, but neither Mike nor I feel comfortable with me doing that. Especially since I have had some worrisome cramping in the past (14 weeks and again at 17 weeks). So I've been taking things extremely easy and I feel like a blimp. I know it'll be worth it when I meet her. It's just discouraging to think of how much weight I will need to lose to feel normal again. Maybe I'll change this to a weight loss/recovery blog after she's born :-)
It is so much fun to have something to look forward to, and though I'll always know that we'd have had 2 boys and a daughter if this weren't a world damaged by sin, I'm just so thankful to be able to laugh with true joy again...We aren't revealing her name, but one thing I love about it is that it means cheerful/happy and her middle name means sweet song...I feel as though we've been given a happy song to replace the dirge in our hearts. It is a good feeling and I'm just so thankful to God for His mercies, which are new every morning. I was in need of some mercy.
So far our little miracle is doing great. She is well photographed due to being high-risk, but the high-risk doctor feels that our situation was just a bizarre fluke and that it doesn't put me at any higher risk this pregnancy...Still, just to be on the safe side he is monitoring our little girl very closely. We've had ultrasounds every few weeks and had the joy of finding out that we're expecting a girl around 16 weeks--much earlier than the normal 20 week ultrasound--not good since I've been shopping since I found out. My regular OB is also being extremely cautious. She has already had me on 2 rounds of antibiotics at different points and will be putting me on antibiotics during delivery just to be safe.
It did turn out that my UTI and vaginal infection (which is what most likely caused my water to break) were from the exact same bacteria. I'm printing that here only so that any of you who are pregnant and suspect a UTI will take it VERY seriously.
We are now 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. My OB told me that 24 weeks is the point of viability for a baby. Obviously we want this little one to make it to full term, and there's no reason to believe she won't, but if she does come after 24 weeks, the prognosis is not as grim as Chase's was. So we'll be breathing easier in a few weeks.
One thing that has been difficult was the lack of exercise. I'm allowed to exercise, but neither Mike nor I feel comfortable with me doing that. Especially since I have had some worrisome cramping in the past (14 weeks and again at 17 weeks). So I've been taking things extremely easy and I feel like a blimp. I know it'll be worth it when I meet her. It's just discouraging to think of how much weight I will need to lose to feel normal again. Maybe I'll change this to a weight loss/recovery blog after she's born :-)
It is so much fun to have something to look forward to, and though I'll always know that we'd have had 2 boys and a daughter if this weren't a world damaged by sin, I'm just so thankful to be able to laugh with true joy again...We aren't revealing her name, but one thing I love about it is that it means cheerful/happy and her middle name means sweet song...I feel as though we've been given a happy song to replace the dirge in our hearts. It is a good feeling and I'm just so thankful to God for His mercies, which are new every morning. I was in need of some mercy.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Prayers Needed
I was sent this link by a girl on my board today. My heart just goes out to this couple and baby Kayleigh. Kayleigh was born weighing 1lb 1oz. The doctors have given them grim prognoses time and time again and each time God has intervened. Kayleigh is 5 months old and still in the NICU. She is in very critical condition right now and her parents are asking for prayers again.
They also need prayers for their finances as well. Both parents are real estate agents and we all know how that market is doing right now. They are facing huge obstacles, but nothing God can't overcome. Prayer does move the hand of God, I firmly believe that, so I ask you to join me in praying for this family.
They also need prayers for their finances as well. Both parents are real estate agents and we all know how that market is doing right now. They are facing huge obstacles, but nothing God can't overcome. Prayer does move the hand of God, I firmly believe that, so I ask you to join me in praying for this family.
Friday, December 12, 2008
The sound of a baby's heart
Love it! We heard it for the first time today...which means no ultrasound pictures, but it's good news nonetheless!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fatigue
To be honest...I completely forgot about posting the ultrasound pictures. Fatigue will do that to you. I'm assuming fatigue is a good thing, and I'm thankful for it! My back is better though. I actually heard it pop back into place. Yikes. But I'm just glad I was on my feet and moving again within a couple of days! At this point, I have my first doctors appointment with my OB on Friday. I'm hoping she'll do an ultrasound there and I'll post the pictures of that one--since the baby will have arms and legs at this point, rather than being a blob with a yolk sac. It amazes how quickly these babies grow. My transfer of a 4 and 6 cell embryo wasn't even 2 months ago, and I have a baby with arms and legs who is the size of a plum growing in me. It's amazing! So I'm hoping to get some pictures of that to post...We'll see.
Even with the excitement of the new baby, there are moments when times are hard and I miss the baby that would've, should've, could've been here this Christmas. I'm thankful we have the new baby. I think things would've been unbearable if we didn't. And I know that no matter how fun Christmas is here...Chase is having a far better time celebrating and dwelling with the Savior every single day. It's the only thing that gets me through.
Even with the excitement of the new baby, there are moments when times are hard and I miss the baby that would've, should've, could've been here this Christmas. I'm thankful we have the new baby. I think things would've been unbearable if we didn't. And I know that no matter how fun Christmas is here...Chase is having a far better time celebrating and dwelling with the Savior every single day. It's the only thing that gets me through.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Ultrasound
Well...after throwing my back out this morning, my joyous news is only hampered by the pain I have and the fact that I can't take any delicious painkillers to help me through...because...We had one healthy baby with a good heartbeat! I have been released to my regular OB, so she will begin my high-risk care. My first appointment with her is December 12. The baby was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days, which makes my estimated due date 7/8/09 :-). I'll try to post the ultrasound pics when my back is better and I'm moving again...based on the level of pain, it may be a week or two....Ouch!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Waiting for an ultrasound
That's right...I've been moved past the constant blood checks and into the queue for an ultrasound. November 21 we should be seeing the bean(s). My number yesterday was 780, that's a 155% increase. Yay! Now I can stop visiting the vampires every 3 days and just enjoy the pregnancy until the ultrasound. I'll keep you all updated.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Cautiously optimistic
My number today was 192. My RE says that he is cautiously optimistic, but wants me to do another blood draw on Monday. This is what the HCG calculator said about my rate:
The Two-Day hCG rise was 133 % and is considered adequate.
From what I've read they like to see a 60% rise...so I feel like I can be cautiously optimistic as well. Please keep praying. All of the kind e-mails and just knowing that so many of you are praying for us means the world to me.
Love,
Elsie and Baby Bean(s)
The Two-Day hCG rise was 133 % and is considered adequate.
From what I've read they like to see a 60% rise...so I feel like I can be cautiously optimistic as well. Please keep praying. All of the kind e-mails and just knowing that so many of you are praying for us means the world to me.
Love,
Elsie and Baby Bean(s)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
HCG numbers
For those who aren't familiar with HCG numbers this is a good synopsis:
http://blogs.webmd.com/healthy-pregnancy/2005/11/hcg-levels-and-ultrasounds-in-early_30.html
My number yesterday was 54. Apparently that's low, so I'll be going in Friday to make sure that my numbers are going up as they should. As you can see from the above article, numbers being low isn't a huge deal, but the nurse at the IVF clinic made it sound as though it was a sure sign of miscarriage. She even said "continue with the estrogen and progesterone for now" as though on Friday I would have to come off of it so that my body could get rid of the pregnancy. The following link has a guideline to HCG levels during pregnancy. I was 4weeks and 0 days on the day they took my blood.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/hcglevels.html
As you can see from the chart, 54 isn't an awful number for a 3-4 week pregnancy. It's not as high as many first hcg tests, but that would make sense if the baby implanted late...and the baby implanting late makes sense when you consider that they were 6 and 4 cells. Most day 3 transfers are 7,8, and 9 cell babies. Mine were still shaking off the freezer burn.
So I'm trying hard to stay optimistic. God is in control, not the nurse. It was wrong of her to be so negative and make me feel negative about things, but thankfully God knew this would happen and has already given me the verse "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"...from everything I've read about HCG levels, they don't mean much of anything unless they aren't rising. So I'm not going to lean on human understanding right now, but on the eternal God who knew this baby from the beginning of time and has a specific purpose for his/her life...no matter how long that life span is.
So I'm pregnant. Yay! I'll rejoice today and weep tomorrow if need be.
http://blogs.webmd.com/healthy-pregnancy/2005/11/hcg-levels-and-ultrasounds-in-early_30.html
My number yesterday was 54. Apparently that's low, so I'll be going in Friday to make sure that my numbers are going up as they should. As you can see from the above article, numbers being low isn't a huge deal, but the nurse at the IVF clinic made it sound as though it was a sure sign of miscarriage. She even said "continue with the estrogen and progesterone for now" as though on Friday I would have to come off of it so that my body could get rid of the pregnancy. The following link has a guideline to HCG levels during pregnancy. I was 4weeks and 0 days on the day they took my blood.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/hcglevels.html
As you can see from the chart, 54 isn't an awful number for a 3-4 week pregnancy. It's not as high as many first hcg tests, but that would make sense if the baby implanted late...and the baby implanting late makes sense when you consider that they were 6 and 4 cells. Most day 3 transfers are 7,8, and 9 cell babies. Mine were still shaking off the freezer burn.
So I'm trying hard to stay optimistic. God is in control, not the nurse. It was wrong of her to be so negative and make me feel negative about things, but thankfully God knew this would happen and has already given me the verse "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"...from everything I've read about HCG levels, they don't mean much of anything unless they aren't rising. So I'm not going to lean on human understanding right now, but on the eternal God who knew this baby from the beginning of time and has a specific purpose for his/her life...no matter how long that life span is.
So I'm pregnant. Yay! I'll rejoice today and weep tomorrow if need be.
Monday, October 27, 2008
A Rainbow Baby
On the loss boards that I lived on after Chase died, there was something called a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is the baby that God gives you after you've lost your child. Just as the rainbow was the sign of the covenant between God and Noah that the storm was over and God would never flood the entire earth again, the rainbow is a symbol to those of us who have lost babies that God still loves us and He provides healing and restoration. On Saturday we were outside while Mike was smoking some yummy meat. It had been a rainy, yucky day. It was drizzling and we thought it was weird because the sky was cloudless right over us (although there were clouds surrounding us). While the sun wasn't out, I thought we might find a rainbow. In fact, I prayed for a rainbow just as a sign that everything would be o.k. And what a rainbow it was! 
I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan: 
Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little darker...to know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.
I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan: 
Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little darker...to know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
PUPO
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO).
Thank you for your prayers! God did provide 2 embryos out of the 4 we thawed. The other 2 didn't make it.
They were not as high quality as the embryos we put back when we conceived Chase, but I've learned that its not really about the quality. I've seen women with poor quality embryos get pregnant and women with high quality embryos end up without a baby. God will decide how my babies do.
So the babies. We'll call them 3m and 2p (they were rated a 3- and 2+ on a 5 point scale, last time we had a 3+ and 4-). 3m was a sloppy looking 6 cell...meaning that the bubbles/cells weren't perfectly rounded. Well, 3m's mama isn't very tidy either, so I say that one just takes after me...2p was perfectly round and beautiful, but since it was only a 4 cell (rather than an 8 or 9 cell), it got a lower score. My RE thought that that one may give us our best chance and may just turn out to be a slow grower.
I wish we had a scanner that worked, I'd post a picture of the babies...yep, they give you a picture to take home with you!
But that's what we're working with. For now I'm just thrilled to be PUPO!
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your prayers!
Thank you for your prayers! God did provide 2 embryos out of the 4 we thawed. The other 2 didn't make it.
They were not as high quality as the embryos we put back when we conceived Chase, but I've learned that its not really about the quality. I've seen women with poor quality embryos get pregnant and women with high quality embryos end up without a baby. God will decide how my babies do.
So the babies. We'll call them 3m and 2p (they were rated a 3- and 2+ on a 5 point scale, last time we had a 3+ and 4-). 3m was a sloppy looking 6 cell...meaning that the bubbles/cells weren't perfectly rounded. Well, 3m's mama isn't very tidy either, so I say that one just takes after me...2p was perfectly round and beautiful, but since it was only a 4 cell (rather than an 8 or 9 cell), it got a lower score. My RE thought that that one may give us our best chance and may just turn out to be a slow grower.
I wish we had a scanner that worked, I'd post a picture of the babies...yep, they give you a picture to take home with you!
But that's what we're working with. For now I'm just thrilled to be PUPO!
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your prayers!
Monday, October 13, 2008
Praying specifically
When I was in the hospital, and we were in limbo with regards to whether or not Chase would be able to stay in utero for a few more weeks, the nurse told me to pray specifically. So we did. And as the news got worse and worse we passed on specific prayers. God answered. Some of you may remember that my placenta was over my cervix. This is known as placenta previa. Normally, it would be cause for a C-section, but since I was so early in my pregnancy, a C-section was not a good option because of the type of cut they would have to do. It meant that if I ever got pregnant again I could never have even one contraction or my uterus could rupture--basically I wouldn't be advised to get pregnant again. The other option was a D&E. Pretty much an abortion.
At this point I became angry at God. It didn't seem fair that someone who had saved her purity for marriage and always been adamantly against abortion would have to undergo one for her very wanted baby. And in my anger I heard the whisper "pray". So we passed on to my college friends at least (the prayer warriors of my life), and I don't know if Mike passed it on to the church or not, to pray for a safe vaginal delivery.
As decisions rushed forward and we were transferred to another hospital that would be able to do the D&E I was hopeful. Despite everything the doctors said, I knew that God's hand could be moved by prayer and with other saints praying that He would act, He did. When we got to the new hospital they did one last ultrasound to see what they were dealing with. And surprise, surprise, they weren't dealing with placenta previa anymore. It had moved. At that point they went ahead and induced me for a normal vaginal delivery and 4 hours later, with no other incidents except for my fever rising, Chase was born.
God still works miracles. He answers prayers. And because I believe this, I'm asking that you pray for our embryos that will be thawed this week. We have 4. Last time we had 6 and we only got 2 good ones to put back. Of those 2, Chase was born. 4 seems like pretty low odds in light of that, but not in light of the God that we have. So please pray specifically that the embryos will thaw safely and develop as they should.
Our transfer is on Friday, at this point, I don't know what time. Please pray that God's will be done with the outcome. I know He is in control and He has a plan. If His answer is "no," I'm ready to accept that as well. My older son is running around playing with his truck. If that isn't testament to a faithful God, I don't know what is. So God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
At this point I became angry at God. It didn't seem fair that someone who had saved her purity for marriage and always been adamantly against abortion would have to undergo one for her very wanted baby. And in my anger I heard the whisper "pray". So we passed on to my college friends at least (the prayer warriors of my life), and I don't know if Mike passed it on to the church or not, to pray for a safe vaginal delivery.
As decisions rushed forward and we were transferred to another hospital that would be able to do the D&E I was hopeful. Despite everything the doctors said, I knew that God's hand could be moved by prayer and with other saints praying that He would act, He did. When we got to the new hospital they did one last ultrasound to see what they were dealing with. And surprise, surprise, they weren't dealing with placenta previa anymore. It had moved. At that point they went ahead and induced me for a normal vaginal delivery and 4 hours later, with no other incidents except for my fever rising, Chase was born.
God still works miracles. He answers prayers. And because I believe this, I'm asking that you pray for our embryos that will be thawed this week. We have 4. Last time we had 6 and we only got 2 good ones to put back. Of those 2, Chase was born. 4 seems like pretty low odds in light of that, but not in light of the God that we have. So please pray specifically that the embryos will thaw safely and develop as they should.
Our transfer is on Friday, at this point, I don't know what time. Please pray that God's will be done with the outcome. I know He is in control and He has a plan. If His answer is "no," I'm ready to accept that as well. My older son is running around playing with his truck. If that isn't testament to a faithful God, I don't know what is. So God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Brrr...Cold Babies
My Bible study has been studying Genesis. It has been so good for me to be reminded of God's hand in everything. Creation is amazing and it shows how God is a god of details. He is involved in everything. It is planned and has a purpose. Even when He created Adam and Eve and they sinned, he revealed his plan to save them from their sin through their son Seth. My aching heart has found healing in this reminder. God is a god of details. He has a detailed plan for my life too. One that was thought out before one of my days even came to be. One that was thought out when He spoke and there was light. God knows where this journey leads, and I am confident of that.
So in the midst of this lesson, I've been having some real-life testing. We went back last week to see if my cysts were gone and we could start a frozen embryo transfer (FET). They had shrunk, but they were still there. The RE told me to continue with the patches, and they took some blood to see what the cysts were doing. The results: The cysts didn't seem to be doing much of anything. My hormone levels were normal. That was good to hear. Even if I can't go through with the transfer this month, it looks as though my body is getting better instead of worse.
Today we went back again. The doctor could see a little more and 3 of the cysts appear to be outside of my ovary. Meaning that the doctor isn't worried about them one bit. The 4th cyst could be active and turn into an egg that is released. In this case, the cycle wouldn't work because my hormones would take over. That is the main concern right now.
So I go back on Friday to see if the cyst has gotten bigger. If it has, then we cancel the cycle and try again next month. If it hasn't, then it is inactive and we'll be free to do the FET next week.
Through all of these events, I've just has an overwhelming peace. Not a peace that we'll definitely be able to go through with the cycle this month, but a peace that whether we go through with it or not, God is in control. None of this is random. God has His perfect timing and whether that timing is this month, or some other time, I'm o.k. For the first time since we first suspected infertility problems, I'm really o.k. So now, instead of praying that everything will be fine to go through with the transfer, I'm just praying that God's will be done in the timing of our next baby. Because let's face it, he has a foreverview and I don't.
So in the midst of this lesson, I've been having some real-life testing. We went back last week to see if my cysts were gone and we could start a frozen embryo transfer (FET). They had shrunk, but they were still there. The RE told me to continue with the patches, and they took some blood to see what the cysts were doing. The results: The cysts didn't seem to be doing much of anything. My hormone levels were normal. That was good to hear. Even if I can't go through with the transfer this month, it looks as though my body is getting better instead of worse.
Today we went back again. The doctor could see a little more and 3 of the cysts appear to be outside of my ovary. Meaning that the doctor isn't worried about them one bit. The 4th cyst could be active and turn into an egg that is released. In this case, the cycle wouldn't work because my hormones would take over. That is the main concern right now.
So I go back on Friday to see if the cyst has gotten bigger. If it has, then we cancel the cycle and try again next month. If it hasn't, then it is inactive and we'll be free to do the FET next week.
Through all of these events, I've just has an overwhelming peace. Not a peace that we'll definitely be able to go through with the cycle this month, but a peace that whether we go through with it or not, God is in control. None of this is random. God has His perfect timing and whether that timing is this month, or some other time, I'm o.k. For the first time since we first suspected infertility problems, I'm really o.k. So now, instead of praying that everything will be fine to go through with the transfer, I'm just praying that God's will be done in the timing of our next baby. Because let's face it, he has a foreverview and I don't.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Perfect Job
I've done it. I've started working. It's perfect though because I can work as little or as much as I want...I've become a freelance writer! I just finished my first job and I've already landed a second one that may be more long-term if it works out well. It's perfect because I can take on as much or as little as fits my schedule and I can work when Aiden sleeps.
I have found, that since I've started working I'm depressed less during the day, but on two occasions now I have had nights where I dream that I am mourning Chase the entire night. I wake up crying. I suppose that's my body's way of grieving. And on Sunday I woke up to this crushing grief. I couldn't even go to church because church makes me cry anyway, and I didn't think I wanted to show up at the door already crying. So I stayed home. But the days, for the most part have gotten better. It is getting a little rougher as my estimated due date approaches (August 26), so I do covet your prayers for that.
And also, I want to mention my friend Sarah to you all. She reads here and has been a huge support to me during this loss (she has lost two little ones herself). Her little boy is trying to come early. I believe she is around 32 weeks right now, so just pray that he stays snug for a little while longer.
Alright my friends, thanks for checking in again. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, mainly because I've been trying to kick off this freelance business of mine and also because thankfully, the depression has eased so much for me during the waking hours. Love you all!
I have found, that since I've started working I'm depressed less during the day, but on two occasions now I have had nights where I dream that I am mourning Chase the entire night. I wake up crying. I suppose that's my body's way of grieving. And on Sunday I woke up to this crushing grief. I couldn't even go to church because church makes me cry anyway, and I didn't think I wanted to show up at the door already crying. So I stayed home. But the days, for the most part have gotten better. It is getting a little rougher as my estimated due date approaches (August 26), so I do covet your prayers for that.
And also, I want to mention my friend Sarah to you all. She reads here and has been a huge support to me during this loss (she has lost two little ones herself). Her little boy is trying to come early. I believe she is around 32 weeks right now, so just pray that he stays snug for a little while longer.
Alright my friends, thanks for checking in again. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, mainly because I've been trying to kick off this freelance business of mine and also because thankfully, the depression has eased so much for me during the waking hours. Love you all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
