Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO).
Thank you for your prayers! God did provide 2 embryos out of the 4 we thawed. The other 2 didn't make it.
They were not as high quality as the embryos we put back when we conceived Chase, but I've learned that its not really about the quality. I've seen women with poor quality embryos get pregnant and women with high quality embryos end up without a baby. God will decide how my babies do.
So the babies. We'll call them 3m and 2p (they were rated a 3- and 2+ on a 5 point scale, last time we had a 3+ and 4-). 3m was a sloppy looking 6 cell...meaning that the bubbles/cells weren't perfectly rounded. Well, 3m's mama isn't very tidy either, so I say that one just takes after me...2p was perfectly round and beautiful, but since it was only a 4 cell (rather than an 8 or 9 cell), it got a lower score. My RE thought that that one may give us our best chance and may just turn out to be a slow grower.
I wish we had a scanner that worked, I'd post a picture of the babies...yep, they give you a picture to take home with you!
But that's what we're working with. For now I'm just thrilled to be PUPO!
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your prayers!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Praying specifically
When I was in the hospital, and we were in limbo with regards to whether or not Chase would be able to stay in utero for a few more weeks, the nurse told me to pray specifically. So we did. And as the news got worse and worse we passed on specific prayers. God answered. Some of you may remember that my placenta was over my cervix. This is known as placenta previa. Normally, it would be cause for a C-section, but since I was so early in my pregnancy, a C-section was not a good option because of the type of cut they would have to do. It meant that if I ever got pregnant again I could never have even one contraction or my uterus could rupture--basically I wouldn't be advised to get pregnant again. The other option was a D&E. Pretty much an abortion.
At this point I became angry at God. It didn't seem fair that someone who had saved her purity for marriage and always been adamantly against abortion would have to undergo one for her very wanted baby. And in my anger I heard the whisper "pray". So we passed on to my college friends at least (the prayer warriors of my life), and I don't know if Mike passed it on to the church or not, to pray for a safe vaginal delivery.
As decisions rushed forward and we were transferred to another hospital that would be able to do the D&E I was hopeful. Despite everything the doctors said, I knew that God's hand could be moved by prayer and with other saints praying that He would act, He did. When we got to the new hospital they did one last ultrasound to see what they were dealing with. And surprise, surprise, they weren't dealing with placenta previa anymore. It had moved. At that point they went ahead and induced me for a normal vaginal delivery and 4 hours later, with no other incidents except for my fever rising, Chase was born.
God still works miracles. He answers prayers. And because I believe this, I'm asking that you pray for our embryos that will be thawed this week. We have 4. Last time we had 6 and we only got 2 good ones to put back. Of those 2, Chase was born. 4 seems like pretty low odds in light of that, but not in light of the God that we have. So please pray specifically that the embryos will thaw safely and develop as they should.
Our transfer is on Friday, at this point, I don't know what time. Please pray that God's will be done with the outcome. I know He is in control and He has a plan. If His answer is "no," I'm ready to accept that as well. My older son is running around playing with his truck. If that isn't testament to a faithful God, I don't know what is. So God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
At this point I became angry at God. It didn't seem fair that someone who had saved her purity for marriage and always been adamantly against abortion would have to undergo one for her very wanted baby. And in my anger I heard the whisper "pray". So we passed on to my college friends at least (the prayer warriors of my life), and I don't know if Mike passed it on to the church or not, to pray for a safe vaginal delivery.
As decisions rushed forward and we were transferred to another hospital that would be able to do the D&E I was hopeful. Despite everything the doctors said, I knew that God's hand could be moved by prayer and with other saints praying that He would act, He did. When we got to the new hospital they did one last ultrasound to see what they were dealing with. And surprise, surprise, they weren't dealing with placenta previa anymore. It had moved. At that point they went ahead and induced me for a normal vaginal delivery and 4 hours later, with no other incidents except for my fever rising, Chase was born.
God still works miracles. He answers prayers. And because I believe this, I'm asking that you pray for our embryos that will be thawed this week. We have 4. Last time we had 6 and we only got 2 good ones to put back. Of those 2, Chase was born. 4 seems like pretty low odds in light of that, but not in light of the God that we have. So please pray specifically that the embryos will thaw safely and develop as they should.
Our transfer is on Friday, at this point, I don't know what time. Please pray that God's will be done with the outcome. I know He is in control and He has a plan. If His answer is "no," I'm ready to accept that as well. My older son is running around playing with his truck. If that isn't testament to a faithful God, I don't know what is. So God's will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Amen.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Brrr...Cold Babies
My Bible study has been studying Genesis. It has been so good for me to be reminded of God's hand in everything. Creation is amazing and it shows how God is a god of details. He is involved in everything. It is planned and has a purpose. Even when He created Adam and Eve and they sinned, he revealed his plan to save them from their sin through their son Seth. My aching heart has found healing in this reminder. God is a god of details. He has a detailed plan for my life too. One that was thought out before one of my days even came to be. One that was thought out when He spoke and there was light. God knows where this journey leads, and I am confident of that.
So in the midst of this lesson, I've been having some real-life testing. We went back last week to see if my cysts were gone and we could start a frozen embryo transfer (FET). They had shrunk, but they were still there. The RE told me to continue with the patches, and they took some blood to see what the cysts were doing. The results: The cysts didn't seem to be doing much of anything. My hormone levels were normal. That was good to hear. Even if I can't go through with the transfer this month, it looks as though my body is getting better instead of worse.
Today we went back again. The doctor could see a little more and 3 of the cysts appear to be outside of my ovary. Meaning that the doctor isn't worried about them one bit. The 4th cyst could be active and turn into an egg that is released. In this case, the cycle wouldn't work because my hormones would take over. That is the main concern right now.
So I go back on Friday to see if the cyst has gotten bigger. If it has, then we cancel the cycle and try again next month. If it hasn't, then it is inactive and we'll be free to do the FET next week.
Through all of these events, I've just has an overwhelming peace. Not a peace that we'll definitely be able to go through with the cycle this month, but a peace that whether we go through with it or not, God is in control. None of this is random. God has His perfect timing and whether that timing is this month, or some other time, I'm o.k. For the first time since we first suspected infertility problems, I'm really o.k. So now, instead of praying that everything will be fine to go through with the transfer, I'm just praying that God's will be done in the timing of our next baby. Because let's face it, he has a foreverview and I don't.
So in the midst of this lesson, I've been having some real-life testing. We went back last week to see if my cysts were gone and we could start a frozen embryo transfer (FET). They had shrunk, but they were still there. The RE told me to continue with the patches, and they took some blood to see what the cysts were doing. The results: The cysts didn't seem to be doing much of anything. My hormone levels were normal. That was good to hear. Even if I can't go through with the transfer this month, it looks as though my body is getting better instead of worse.
Today we went back again. The doctor could see a little more and 3 of the cysts appear to be outside of my ovary. Meaning that the doctor isn't worried about them one bit. The 4th cyst could be active and turn into an egg that is released. In this case, the cycle wouldn't work because my hormones would take over. That is the main concern right now.
So I go back on Friday to see if the cyst has gotten bigger. If it has, then we cancel the cycle and try again next month. If it hasn't, then it is inactive and we'll be free to do the FET next week.
Through all of these events, I've just has an overwhelming peace. Not a peace that we'll definitely be able to go through with the cycle this month, but a peace that whether we go through with it or not, God is in control. None of this is random. God has His perfect timing and whether that timing is this month, or some other time, I'm o.k. For the first time since we first suspected infertility problems, I'm really o.k. So now, instead of praying that everything will be fine to go through with the transfer, I'm just praying that God's will be done in the timing of our next baby. Because let's face it, he has a foreverview and I don't.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Perfect Job
I've done it. I've started working. It's perfect though because I can work as little or as much as I want...I've become a freelance writer! I just finished my first job and I've already landed a second one that may be more long-term if it works out well. It's perfect because I can take on as much or as little as fits my schedule and I can work when Aiden sleeps.
I have found, that since I've started working I'm depressed less during the day, but on two occasions now I have had nights where I dream that I am mourning Chase the entire night. I wake up crying. I suppose that's my body's way of grieving. And on Sunday I woke up to this crushing grief. I couldn't even go to church because church makes me cry anyway, and I didn't think I wanted to show up at the door already crying. So I stayed home. But the days, for the most part have gotten better. It is getting a little rougher as my estimated due date approaches (August 26), so I do covet your prayers for that.
And also, I want to mention my friend Sarah to you all. She reads here and has been a huge support to me during this loss (she has lost two little ones herself). Her little boy is trying to come early. I believe she is around 32 weeks right now, so just pray that he stays snug for a little while longer.
Alright my friends, thanks for checking in again. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, mainly because I've been trying to kick off this freelance business of mine and also because thankfully, the depression has eased so much for me during the waking hours. Love you all!
I have found, that since I've started working I'm depressed less during the day, but on two occasions now I have had nights where I dream that I am mourning Chase the entire night. I wake up crying. I suppose that's my body's way of grieving. And on Sunday I woke up to this crushing grief. I couldn't even go to church because church makes me cry anyway, and I didn't think I wanted to show up at the door already crying. So I stayed home. But the days, for the most part have gotten better. It is getting a little rougher as my estimated due date approaches (August 26), so I do covet your prayers for that.
And also, I want to mention my friend Sarah to you all. She reads here and has been a huge support to me during this loss (she has lost two little ones herself). Her little boy is trying to come early. I believe she is around 32 weeks right now, so just pray that he stays snug for a little while longer.
Alright my friends, thanks for checking in again. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, mainly because I've been trying to kick off this freelance business of mine and also because thankfully, the depression has eased so much for me during the waking hours. Love you all!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Just Chillin'
Thank you so much for your encouragement. The comments you leave remind me that I am not in this alone, I have some prayer warriors at my back! And it makes all of the difference when you are going through rough waters to know that others are there with you, holding you up with prayers.
So I'm trying to find ways to relieve my stress right now. It has been 2 1/2 years of nothing but stress so it's getting out of control. I tried out a yoga class at my gym yesterday. It was so relaxing...until I went to pick up A. from the Kidzone and he decided it'd be a good idea to do the opposite of everything I asked him to do. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? I loved it though, so I'll definitely go back.
I'm also trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to do right now with my life. A. is at the age where he should start preschool in the fall. I go back and forth on sending him. So what do I do with that time? Look for a job? I'm not sure if this is just supposed to be a time of peace and quiet and waiting or if I'm supposed to be going on with my life and doing something. I guess I'm entitled to a little peaceful waiting at this point, but I feel so unproductive with no infant to care for. A. needs so little from me these days that I wonder why I don't go get a "real" job. We'll see...
So I'm trying to find ways to relieve my stress right now. It has been 2 1/2 years of nothing but stress so it's getting out of control. I tried out a yoga class at my gym yesterday. It was so relaxing...until I went to pick up A. from the Kidzone and he decided it'd be a good idea to do the opposite of everything I asked him to do. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? I loved it though, so I'll definitely go back.
I'm also trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to do right now with my life. A. is at the age where he should start preschool in the fall. I go back and forth on sending him. So what do I do with that time? Look for a job? I'm not sure if this is just supposed to be a time of peace and quiet and waiting or if I'm supposed to be going on with my life and doing something. I guess I'm entitled to a little peaceful waiting at this point, but I feel so unproductive with no infant to care for. A. needs so little from me these days that I wonder why I don't go get a "real" job. We'll see...
Friday, June 27, 2008
I give up
I can't do this anymore. I can't eat because birth control pills give me horrible canker sores on my tongue. I currently have two (after only 2 weeks), which means I'm on a liquid diet and slurring my speech. All of this for a drug that doesn't seem to be helping anyway. The thought of staying on the pill indefinitely while my sores get worse and worse is incomprehensible right now. So I give up. I called my RE's nurse today and asked if things would get worse if I went off of the pill and she kind of laughed and said, "it can't get any worse." Gee thanks...
So after talking to Mike we've decided that for both my physical and mental well being it was time for a break. We've got a beach vacation coming up with my family in September. I'd love to be svelte and thin by then. So I'm going to focus on my weight loss and let myself have a break from this. Too bad I can't just take a break from my grief. But really that is getting better. Yesterday was his 3 month anniversary, so it was a tough day, and today is tough, but overall things have been better.
Please when you remember us, just pray for a time of peace and rest in the coming months. It has been a long road, but we haven't had to travel it alone. God's goodness does not depend on my circumstances. He is good ALL of the time.
So after talking to Mike we've decided that for both my physical and mental well being it was time for a break. We've got a beach vacation coming up with my family in September. I'd love to be svelte and thin by then. So I'm going to focus on my weight loss and let myself have a break from this. Too bad I can't just take a break from my grief. But really that is getting better. Yesterday was his 3 month anniversary, so it was a tough day, and today is tough, but overall things have been better.
Please when you remember us, just pray for a time of peace and rest in the coming months. It has been a long road, but we haven't had to travel it alone. God's goodness does not depend on my circumstances. He is good ALL of the time.
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