Well, my appointment didn't bring the good news I was praying for. Not only do I still have the cyst, but that ovary has produced about 5 more follicles, and it looks like I may have even ovulated (all of this while on birth control!). The IVF lab here closes from July 25-Aug 22. July 7 is the very latest that the cyst can be gone in order to get in by July 25. So I go back on the 7th. My RE told me "not to count on it" being gone. In fact, he wrote me a new prescription for birth control and included 2 refills, so that shows me what he really thinks about the chances of it being gone on the 7th.
So it's looking like it'll be the end of August before we can move forward with the FET (frozen embryo transfer). The good news is, they're having great success with the FET's lately. Last year they had a 50% success rate for my age group. So once we get that perfect environment for them, we do have good chances of success. That news lifted my spirits a bit.
It's always hard going to the RE's office. He works out of the hospital that Chase died in. The exam room yesterday smelled like Chase smelled when they handed him to me. It must be whatever they use to clean there...but it definitely is emotional every time I go there.
So I guess I'll just keep working on my weight loss...8 pounds to date...and I'll wait. I can't help thinking that it'd be pretty cool if I got pregnant while on birth control. Wouldn't that be the perfect end to the story? But then, that's my end, not necessarily God's end ;-)
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Waiting patiently (again)...
Well, there will be no frozen embryo transfer in the near future. I went to the doctor on Friday only to find out that I have a huge cyst on my left ovary. I was a bit shocked by that. I've never had problems before and I haven't been on any fertility drugs for over 6 months. I can only attribute it (as I attribute everything else in my life) to God. For some reason, this is not yet the time. So I wait again. For the first time in 4 years I am on birth control pills. It seems counter-intuitive, but it's the best way to help the cyst dissolve.
I was really upset for the first 40 minutes or so after finding out the news. It is so hard to keep getting told that I have to wait even longer. But eventually I just felt peaceful about it. I don't know what's in store, but I'm tired of the process. I can't even get upset about it anymore because it is what it is. I can't change it. God is in control though, and I trust that this is the best thing for me at this time.
I'll keep you all posted. I have to go back in 2 weeks to check on the cyst. Once it's gone, we'll go ahead with things, but for now I'm waiting on God...again.
I was really upset for the first 40 minutes or so after finding out the news. It is so hard to keep getting told that I have to wait even longer. But eventually I just felt peaceful about it. I don't know what's in store, but I'm tired of the process. I can't even get upset about it anymore because it is what it is. I can't change it. God is in control though, and I trust that this is the best thing for me at this time.
I'll keep you all posted. I have to go back in 2 weeks to check on the cyst. Once it's gone, we'll go ahead with things, but for now I'm waiting on God...again.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Starting Over
Now that I've been through two cycles post-miscarriage, I am able to move forward with fertility treatment. We weren't "not trying" the past couple of cycles. An "oops" would've been so welcome at this point. It just confirms for me that we need help in getting pregnant. It's hard, when you've been pregnant twice on your own, to think that you could really have a problem. But we do.
So we're going back in a few weeks to get our frozen embryos. It has been really frustrating to go through this again. All I could think as I was hounding the pharmacy for my drugs and trying to coordinate paperwork between my OB and RE was, "I shouldn't be doing this, I should be washing Aiden's newborn clothes and putting together a nursery."
I don't know that I have the heart to go through this for much longer. We're going to use up our frozen embryos. We only have 4, so I have a feeling that will only get us this one cycle (since 4 of my other 6 embryos failed to develop before). So this is it for us. As I look at the progesterone needles and cringe (those things are as long as my thumb and I still get phantom pains from my last IVF cycle where I had those shots) I remind myself that this is it.
I just can't do another round of IVF. Frankly, our insurance money is running out. You don't get a do-over if the baby dies, you still lose that money. And it's hard to think about draining our bank account for another round of what I just went through. I guess I'm just not brave enough.
So please keep us and our little babies in your prayers. It doesn't seem fair to lose Chase the way we did and not be given another baby to hold, but our God is just and sometimes that's not the same as fair. He sees a bigger picture than what I see. I trust that, but I've been asking Him a lot lately about how I'm supposed to go on now if I can't have another child to hold. I don't have an answer to that yet, but I know He hears my questions, and that's enough. He loves me. He's doing what's best for me. I just have to trust that.
In about 18 days (depending on how my body responds to the drugs), we'll be defrosting the babies and bringing them home in their mama. I'll be keeping you all posted because I really covet your prayers. There is a lot riding on this, though I'm trying not to think about that. For now, you can pray that my body does exactly what it needs to do to get ready to grow these babies.
Thank you, dear friends.
So we're going back in a few weeks to get our frozen embryos. It has been really frustrating to go through this again. All I could think as I was hounding the pharmacy for my drugs and trying to coordinate paperwork between my OB and RE was, "I shouldn't be doing this, I should be washing Aiden's newborn clothes and putting together a nursery."
I don't know that I have the heart to go through this for much longer. We're going to use up our frozen embryos. We only have 4, so I have a feeling that will only get us this one cycle (since 4 of my other 6 embryos failed to develop before). So this is it for us. As I look at the progesterone needles and cringe (those things are as long as my thumb and I still get phantom pains from my last IVF cycle where I had those shots) I remind myself that this is it.
I just can't do another round of IVF. Frankly, our insurance money is running out. You don't get a do-over if the baby dies, you still lose that money. And it's hard to think about draining our bank account for another round of what I just went through. I guess I'm just not brave enough.
So please keep us and our little babies in your prayers. It doesn't seem fair to lose Chase the way we did and not be given another baby to hold, but our God is just and sometimes that's not the same as fair. He sees a bigger picture than what I see. I trust that, but I've been asking Him a lot lately about how I'm supposed to go on now if I can't have another child to hold. I don't have an answer to that yet, but I know He hears my questions, and that's enough. He loves me. He's doing what's best for me. I just have to trust that.
In about 18 days (depending on how my body responds to the drugs), we'll be defrosting the babies and bringing them home in their mama. I'll be keeping you all posted because I really covet your prayers. There is a lot riding on this, though I'm trying not to think about that. For now, you can pray that my body does exactly what it needs to do to get ready to grow these babies.
Thank you, dear friends.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Good News!
Thank you all for your prayers. It has been so hard for me to get online long enough to post lately because I've been getting back to the gym each day...and for some reason that takes a chunk of time out of my day! But I wanted to let you know that the antibiotics did kick out my infection. Yay! Praise God! I was so worried when I found out that I still had an infection after all of those drugs in the hospital!
Thank you all for praying.
Thank you all for praying.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Praying and Waiting
I've been back to my OB for the test to see if the infection is gone. I should get the verdict in 1-2 weeks. So I find myself in a place of waiting again. I feel like it has been 3 years of waiting. I'm getting used to waiting.
The last time I was at my OB's office, she left the exam room to get me a prescription and didn't come back. I waited and waited. M. asked me if he should check and see if they forgot. I assured him that they wouldn't have forgotten me. They would need the room again, how could they forget? They were probably just busy. He finally had to go off to work for a meeting and still I waited. Finally, I thought I'd just step out and ask. So I did. And yes, they'd forgotten about me. The doctor had run off for a surgery. I had waited about an hour and a half for a prescription that I never got. That's how good I am at waiting these days.
So I wait and pray that the infection is gone. The verse "Be still and know that I am God" is with me constantly. I've been very still lately.
As far as surrendering goes, I'm getting there. Not by my own doing. I have found that I'm not able, but I find myself getting to a place of surrender despite my own inability to get myself there. It's not something I did or am doing. I prayed for it as you all suggested, and now it's as though I've woken up in a new place. My longing for a baby isn't gone, but as I see my sweet son A. each day I have moments that pass where I just feel content. Content, not in having one child, but in having 4 (that I know of). I believe that the other baby that we transferred to my womb along with Chase is also in heaven. So when I think of those babies that I will meet, and when I realize that each day brings me closer to holding them in my arms, I feel o.k. I birthed my baby straight into heaven. What a life he has! I am content here with A. and M. for now because I'll know my babies one day. Our meeting has just been postponed.
There are still hard moments. Times where I peek in on A. in his bed asleep, and as I'm returning to my room I pass the barren nursery and my heart aches. But the hard moments come with longer and longer spans of good moments in between.
I don't know if any of you have seen the news about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. I heard on the radio yesterday that his 5 year-old daughter was struck when his son pulled into their driveway (or was backing out--I've heard two different versions). My heart broke for that family. I can't know what it's like to have a child taken from your life in such a way, but I do know what it's like to lose a child. So my heart breaks for the pain they're all feeling today. Please remember their family in your prayers. I know God will be glorified through this. I know the bittersweet moments of worship and communion they will have with their Father as a result of this tragedy.
It's not a path anyone ever wants to walk, but in walking it you do get to know the Savior in a way that you would never know Him without that loss. I think I was especially struck by the juxtaposition of grief and joy that I felt. Grief over the loss of my baby and never having the opportunity to know him, and joy that I have a Savior who conquered the grave. Joy knowing that Chase won't ever ache, joy for my son's gain, grief for my loss. It was such a strange mix of feelings. I have often wept and laughed simultaneously these past 2 months.
I will never be the same person I was...but that's a good thing. So I patiently pray that my infection is finally gone, and I wait for the answer. I wouldn't have done that before losing Chase, my Savior is molding me into an image of Him. I have a long way to go, but I know He's working.
The last time I was at my OB's office, she left the exam room to get me a prescription and didn't come back. I waited and waited. M. asked me if he should check and see if they forgot. I assured him that they wouldn't have forgotten me. They would need the room again, how could they forget? They were probably just busy. He finally had to go off to work for a meeting and still I waited. Finally, I thought I'd just step out and ask. So I did. And yes, they'd forgotten about me. The doctor had run off for a surgery. I had waited about an hour and a half for a prescription that I never got. That's how good I am at waiting these days.
So I wait and pray that the infection is gone. The verse "Be still and know that I am God" is with me constantly. I've been very still lately.
As far as surrendering goes, I'm getting there. Not by my own doing. I have found that I'm not able, but I find myself getting to a place of surrender despite my own inability to get myself there. It's not something I did or am doing. I prayed for it as you all suggested, and now it's as though I've woken up in a new place. My longing for a baby isn't gone, but as I see my sweet son A. each day I have moments that pass where I just feel content. Content, not in having one child, but in having 4 (that I know of). I believe that the other baby that we transferred to my womb along with Chase is also in heaven. So when I think of those babies that I will meet, and when I realize that each day brings me closer to holding them in my arms, I feel o.k. I birthed my baby straight into heaven. What a life he has! I am content here with A. and M. for now because I'll know my babies one day. Our meeting has just been postponed.
There are still hard moments. Times where I peek in on A. in his bed asleep, and as I'm returning to my room I pass the barren nursery and my heart aches. But the hard moments come with longer and longer spans of good moments in between.
I don't know if any of you have seen the news about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. I heard on the radio yesterday that his 5 year-old daughter was struck when his son pulled into their driveway (or was backing out--I've heard two different versions). My heart broke for that family. I can't know what it's like to have a child taken from your life in such a way, but I do know what it's like to lose a child. So my heart breaks for the pain they're all feeling today. Please remember their family in your prayers. I know God will be glorified through this. I know the bittersweet moments of worship and communion they will have with their Father as a result of this tragedy.
It's not a path anyone ever wants to walk, but in walking it you do get to know the Savior in a way that you would never know Him without that loss. I think I was especially struck by the juxtaposition of grief and joy that I felt. Grief over the loss of my baby and never having the opportunity to know him, and joy that I have a Savior who conquered the grave. Joy knowing that Chase won't ever ache, joy for my son's gain, grief for my loss. It was such a strange mix of feelings. I have often wept and laughed simultaneously these past 2 months.
I will never be the same person I was...but that's a good thing. So I patiently pray that my infection is finally gone, and I wait for the answer. I wouldn't have done that before losing Chase, my Savior is molding me into an image of Him. I have a long way to go, but I know He's working.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Surrender
I was talking to a well-meaning friend the other day. She told me that she thought maybe all I had needed during the past two years was to get pregnant to solve the question of my infertility. Now that I've been pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get pregnant again quickly. She even had a story of a friend who couldn't get pregnant and then got pregnant and was able to get pregnant again rather quickly despite the doctors grim prognosis that she would never have another child.
Trust me, there is nothing in the world I want more right now than to be pregnant quickly this time. But there's a problem with that. My desire should be to be able to say that there is nothing in the world that I want more right now than for God's will to be done. But I have a hard time saying that because it scares me. What if God's will is for me to have no more children?
My priorities are out of order and I want them back in line, but I just don't know how to let go of this desire to have another baby. My heart cries out for another baby. How do I get to a place where I can honestly say, God's will be done. Not that in my saying that I allow God to do His will. God's will will be done regardless of whether or not I "give permission".
But I want my life, my words, all that I am to glorify my God. If I can't let go of this desire, I fear that I won't be glorifying God. How do I come to a place of complete surrender?
I've come close. Every now and then I have peace and I begin to think that I'll be o.k. if our family is complete as it is. But then I walk into a store and see the baby aisle and the lump rises in my throat as the tears well in my eyes and the desire for another baby is back, mixed with the grief that I feel for the baby I buried. And once again, I'm reminded that there is something that I desperately want, and I no longer feel like I'll be o.k. without it. Surrender evades me once again as I clutch this dream back to my heart.
I'm going to be praying that I can come to a place where I can say, "not my will, but Yours be done" and mean it. In the meantime, I'm clinging to the promise of grace for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Trust me, there is nothing in the world I want more right now than to be pregnant quickly this time. But there's a problem with that. My desire should be to be able to say that there is nothing in the world that I want more right now than for God's will to be done. But I have a hard time saying that because it scares me. What if God's will is for me to have no more children?
My priorities are out of order and I want them back in line, but I just don't know how to let go of this desire to have another baby. My heart cries out for another baby. How do I get to a place where I can honestly say, God's will be done. Not that in my saying that I allow God to do His will. God's will will be done regardless of whether or not I "give permission".
But I want my life, my words, all that I am to glorify my God. If I can't let go of this desire, I fear that I won't be glorifying God. How do I come to a place of complete surrender?
I've come close. Every now and then I have peace and I begin to think that I'll be o.k. if our family is complete as it is. But then I walk into a store and see the baby aisle and the lump rises in my throat as the tears well in my eyes and the desire for another baby is back, mixed with the grief that I feel for the baby I buried. And once again, I'm reminded that there is something that I desperately want, and I no longer feel like I'll be o.k. without it. Surrender evades me once again as I clutch this dream back to my heart.
I'm going to be praying that I can come to a place where I can say, "not my will, but Yours be done" and mean it. In the meantime, I'm clinging to the promise of grace for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Infection...Part two
I'm in a bad place today.
Yesterday I found out that some swabs my OB did at my follow-up appointment came back showing that I have an infection. I don't know if I still have the same infection that caused my water to break, or if it's something new that grew once the antibiotics kicked out all of the bacteria in my body, good and bad. I've read that antibiotics can sometimes cause more harm by killing off even the good bacteria, which allows the bad guys to flourish if they get in there.
I'm heartbroken. I'm fearful. I just can't do any more bad news. It has been a long six weeks.
I thought we were going to be moving forward at this point. Now I don't know if we'll ever be able to have another baby again and I'm sick to my stomach over it.
The game plan is for me to be on antibiotics for 10 days. After the 10 days, I'll go back for another swab test. If it's negative for infection we'll move forward with a frozen embryo transfer next month. If it comes back positive, that transfer will obviously be on hold, but my bigger fear at that point is that this infection might be too big to get rid of. And I don't know what happens next if that's the case.
If you have time to pray, please lift me up. Please pray that God will remove the infection from my body and prevent recurrences. I just want to be healed. Losing Chase was bad enough, now I'm losing my health. What more can I lose without losing my sanity as well?
Like I said, I'm in a bad place right now.
Yesterday I found out that some swabs my OB did at my follow-up appointment came back showing that I have an infection. I don't know if I still have the same infection that caused my water to break, or if it's something new that grew once the antibiotics kicked out all of the bacteria in my body, good and bad. I've read that antibiotics can sometimes cause more harm by killing off even the good bacteria, which allows the bad guys to flourish if they get in there.
I'm heartbroken. I'm fearful. I just can't do any more bad news. It has been a long six weeks.
I thought we were going to be moving forward at this point. Now I don't know if we'll ever be able to have another baby again and I'm sick to my stomach over it.
The game plan is for me to be on antibiotics for 10 days. After the 10 days, I'll go back for another swab test. If it's negative for infection we'll move forward with a frozen embryo transfer next month. If it comes back positive, that transfer will obviously be on hold, but my bigger fear at that point is that this infection might be too big to get rid of. And I don't know what happens next if that's the case.
If you have time to pray, please lift me up. Please pray that God will remove the infection from my body and prevent recurrences. I just want to be healed. Losing Chase was bad enough, now I'm losing my health. What more can I lose without losing my sanity as well?
Like I said, I'm in a bad place right now.
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