Sunday, April 20, 2008

Peace that Passes Understanding

So many people who go through something like this question God's goodness. Maybe I'll have that moment too, but so far it doesn't even make sense to me to question that. God is good. Chase is in heaven because God sent his own son to die. How could I possibly be angry about that?

God gave Chase to me for 18 weeks. It may not be as long as I wanted, or as long as it should be if sin hadn't entered the world, but it was still 18 weeks of having a child in my belly. After 2 long years of infertility, I enjoyed every minute of that. How can I be angry that the God who gave Chase to me decided to take him away? Jonah got mad at God for taking away a vine that God had provided for shade. God called him out on that..."Hey, Jonah! Who do you think caused the vine to grow? What right do you have to be angry about this?" And I find myself in the same situation. Who do I think gave me this child? What right would I have to be angry about this? I just don't find a place in my heart that thinks God is at fault.

God miraculously guarded my fertility. This is really important because we've been infertile for two years. We had to have IVF done in order to conceive Chase, and odds are, we'll have to go that route to become pregnant again. The fewer complications we have added to our list of current issues, the better. My Reproductive Endocrinologist was very pleased with the outcome of a very scary situation that didn't look like it had a good ending.

After being diagnosed with placenta previa, I had 2 options when my water broke and an infection set in. Have a c-section, which would make subsequent pregnancies extremely high risk due to the classical cut they'd have to do (since my uterus was so small at only 18 weeks), or have a D&E and risk scarring of my uterus, which makes it harder for a fertilized egg to implant. One doctor even threatened me with a hysterectomy if things went very downhill. Not one person brought up the possibility of a normal vaginal delivery. But we prayed for it, and we asked our friends and family to pray. God answered. The placenta completely moved within 24 hours and not only did I have a normal delivery, it was an uncomplicated 3 hour labor. How do I shake my fist when I was part of a miracle like that?

And above all else, my son is not dead. He's in heaven. I'll see him again. All because God provided a way. How do I get angry at God? I just can't figure out the logic on that one. God is good ALL of the time. Yes, even in this...God has been good. This is what the Bible means when it speaks of peace that passes all understanding. This is what is meant by building your house on a rock. The storm has come, but because my life is built on the rock of Jesus, I am able to have joy. This life is temporary and when I've been in heaven 10,000 years, this will all be a distant memory. That's why the storms can blow, but through God's grace (not my own works), my faith isn't shaken.