Friday, October 31, 2008

Cautiously optimistic

My number today was 192. My RE says that he is cautiously optimistic, but wants me to do another blood draw on Monday. This is what the HCG calculator said about my rate:

The Two-Day hCG rise was 133 % and is considered adequate.

From what I've read they like to see a 60% I feel like I can be cautiously optimistic as well. Please keep praying. All of the kind e-mails and just knowing that so many of you are praying for us means the world to me.

Elsie and Baby Bean(s)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

HCG numbers

For those who aren't familiar with HCG numbers this is a good synopsis:

My number yesterday was 54. Apparently that's low, so I'll be going in Friday to make sure that my numbers are going up as they should. As you can see from the above article, numbers being low isn't a huge deal, but the nurse at the IVF clinic made it sound as though it was a sure sign of miscarriage. She even said "continue with the estrogen and progesterone for now" as though on Friday I would have to come off of it so that my body could get rid of the pregnancy. The following link has a guideline to HCG levels during pregnancy. I was 4weeks and 0 days on the day they took my blood.

As you can see from the chart, 54 isn't an awful number for a 3-4 week pregnancy. It's not as high as many first hcg tests, but that would make sense if the baby implanted late...and the baby implanting late makes sense when you consider that they were 6 and 4 cells. Most day 3 transfers are 7,8, and 9 cell babies. Mine were still shaking off the freezer burn.

So I'm trying hard to stay optimistic. God is in control, not the nurse. It was wrong of her to be so negative and make me feel negative about things, but thankfully God knew this would happen and has already given me the verse "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"...from everything I've read about HCG levels, they don't mean much of anything unless they aren't rising. So I'm not going to lean on human understanding right now, but on the eternal God who knew this baby from the beginning of time and has a specific purpose for his/her matter how long that life span is.

So I'm pregnant. Yay! I'll rejoice today and weep tomorrow if need be.

Monday, October 27, 2008

A Rainbow Baby

On the loss boards that I lived on after Chase died, there was something called a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is the baby that God gives you after you've lost your child. Just as the rainbow was the sign of the covenant between God and Noah that the storm was over and God would never flood the entire earth again, the rainbow is a symbol to those of us who have lost babies that God still loves us and He provides healing and restoration. On Saturday we were outside while Mike was smoking some yummy meat. It had been a rainy, yucky day. It was drizzling and we thought it was weird because the sky was cloudless right over us (although there were clouds surrounding us). While the sun wasn't out, I thought we might find a rainbow. In fact, I prayed for a rainbow just as a sign that everything would be o.k. And what a rainbow it was! I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan: Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.