On the loss boards that I lived on after Chase died, there was something called a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is the baby that God gives you after you've lost your child. Just as the rainbow was the sign of the covenant between God and Noah that the storm was over and God would never flood the entire earth again, the rainbow is a symbol to those of us who have lost babies that God still loves us and He provides healing and restoration. On Saturday we were outside while Mike was smoking some yummy meat. It had been a rainy, yucky day. It was drizzling and we thought it was weird because the sky was cloudless right over us (although there were clouds surrounding us). While the sun wasn't out, I thought we might find a rainbow. In fact, I prayed for a rainbow just as a sign that everything would be o.k. And what a rainbow it was!
I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan:
Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little darker...to know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.
I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan: 
Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little darker...to know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.
3 comments:
What an awesome promise! I was just thinking yesterday how I hate that some "other" groups have adopted the rainbow as their symbol when it is such a display of God's goodness and mercy to us. Your rainbow was so much more beautiful and significant! And I understand that any line is a line... so that stick looks pregnant to me! Even so, I'm praying you'll know without a doubt soon! In the meantime... how about an Aiden post! How's that boy doing? :)
I got goose-bumps reading this post!! We are, and will be for probably forever, praying for you guys- whatever number "you guys" make-up!
yay! that's great news! if you're like me, you'll be nervous about it for a while, even after lots of confirmation, but...yay! :) i'm so happy for you and we'll keep praying for a healthy pregnancy.
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