Friday, May 23, 2008

Praying and Waiting

I've been back to my OB for the test to see if the infection is gone. I should get the verdict in 1-2 weeks. So I find myself in a place of waiting again. I feel like it has been 3 years of waiting. I'm getting used to waiting.

The last time I was at my OB's office, she left the exam room to get me a prescription and didn't come back. I waited and waited. M. asked me if he should check and see if they forgot. I assured him that they wouldn't have forgotten me. They would need the room again, how could they forget? They were probably just busy. He finally had to go off to work for a meeting and still I waited. Finally, I thought I'd just step out and ask. So I did. And yes, they'd forgotten about me. The doctor had run off for a surgery. I had waited about an hour and a half for a prescription that I never got. That's how good I am at waiting these days.

So I wait and pray that the infection is gone. The verse "Be still and know that I am God" is with me constantly. I've been very still lately.

As far as surrendering goes, I'm getting there. Not by my own doing. I have found that I'm not able, but I find myself getting to a place of surrender despite my own inability to get myself there. It's not something I did or am doing. I prayed for it as you all suggested, and now it's as though I've woken up in a new place. My longing for a baby isn't gone, but as I see my sweet son A. each day I have moments that pass where I just feel content. Content, not in having one child, but in having 4 (that I know of). I believe that the other baby that we transferred to my womb along with Chase is also in heaven. So when I think of those babies that I will meet, and when I realize that each day brings me closer to holding them in my arms, I feel o.k. I birthed my baby straight into heaven. What a life he has! I am content here with A. and M. for now because I'll know my babies one day. Our meeting has just been postponed.

There are still hard moments. Times where I peek in on A. in his bed asleep, and as I'm returning to my room I pass the barren nursery and my heart aches. But the hard moments come with longer and longer spans of good moments in between.

I don't know if any of you have seen the news about Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. I heard on the radio yesterday that his 5 year-old daughter was struck when his son pulled into their driveway (or was backing out--I've heard two different versions). My heart broke for that family. I can't know what it's like to have a child taken from your life in such a way, but I do know what it's like to lose a child. So my heart breaks for the pain they're all feeling today. Please remember their family in your prayers. I know God will be glorified through this. I know the bittersweet moments of worship and communion they will have with their Father as a result of this tragedy.

It's not a path anyone ever wants to walk, but in walking it you do get to know the Savior in a way that you would never know Him without that loss. I think I was especially struck by the juxtaposition of grief and joy that I felt. Grief over the loss of my baby and never having the opportunity to know him, and joy that I have a Savior who conquered the grave. Joy knowing that Chase won't ever ache, joy for my son's gain, grief for my loss. It was such a strange mix of feelings. I have often wept and laughed simultaneously these past 2 months.

I will never be the same person I was...but that's a good thing. So I patiently pray that my infection is finally gone, and I wait for the answer. I wouldn't have done that before losing Chase, my Savior is molding me into an image of Him. I have a long way to go, but I know He's working.