Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Starting Over

Now that I've been through two cycles post-miscarriage, I am able to move forward with fertility treatment. We weren't "not trying" the past couple of cycles. An "oops" would've been so welcome at this point. It just confirms for me that we need help in getting pregnant. It's hard, when you've been pregnant twice on your own, to think that you could really have a problem. But we do.

So we're going back in a few weeks to get our frozen embryos. It has been really frustrating to go through this again. All I could think as I was hounding the pharmacy for my drugs and trying to coordinate paperwork between my OB and RE was, "I shouldn't be doing this, I should be washing Aiden's newborn clothes and putting together a nursery."

I don't know that I have the heart to go through this for much longer. We're going to use up our frozen embryos. We only have 4, so I have a feeling that will only get us this one cycle (since 4 of my other 6 embryos failed to develop before). So this is it for us. As I look at the progesterone needles and cringe (those things are as long as my thumb and I still get phantom pains from my last IVF cycle where I had those shots) I remind myself that this is it.

I just can't do another round of IVF. Frankly, our insurance money is running out. You don't get a do-over if the baby dies, you still lose that money. And it's hard to think about draining our bank account for another round of what I just went through. I guess I'm just not brave enough.

So please keep us and our little babies in your prayers. It doesn't seem fair to lose Chase the way we did and not be given another baby to hold, but our God is just and sometimes that's not the same as fair. He sees a bigger picture than what I see. I trust that, but I've been asking Him a lot lately about how I'm supposed to go on now if I can't have another child to hold. I don't have an answer to that yet, but I know He hears my questions, and that's enough. He loves me. He's doing what's best for me. I just have to trust that.

In about 18 days (depending on how my body responds to the drugs), we'll be defrosting the babies and bringing them home in their mama. I'll be keeping you all posted because I really covet your prayers. There is a lot riding on this, though I'm trying not to think about that. For now, you can pray that my body does exactly what it needs to do to get ready to grow these babies.

Thank you, dear friends.