Friday, June 27, 2008

I give up

I can't do this anymore. I can't eat because birth control pills give me horrible canker sores on my tongue. I currently have two (after only 2 weeks), which means I'm on a liquid diet and slurring my speech. All of this for a drug that doesn't seem to be helping anyway. The thought of staying on the pill indefinitely while my sores get worse and worse is incomprehensible right now. So I give up. I called my RE's nurse today and asked if things would get worse if I went off of the pill and she kind of laughed and said, "it can't get any worse." Gee thanks...

So after talking to Mike we've decided that for both my physical and mental well being it was time for a break. We've got a beach vacation coming up with my family in September. I'd love to be svelte and thin by then. So I'm going to focus on my weight loss and let myself have a break from this. Too bad I can't just take a break from my grief. But really that is getting better. Yesterday was his 3 month anniversary, so it was a tough day, and today is tough, but overall things have been better.

Please when you remember us, just pray for a time of peace and rest in the coming months. It has been a long road, but we haven't had to travel it alone. God's goodness does not depend on my circumstances. He is good ALL of the time.


Well, my appointment didn't bring the good news I was praying for. Not only do I still have the cyst, but that ovary has produced about 5 more follicles, and it looks like I may have even ovulated (all of this while on birth control!). The IVF lab here closes from July 25-Aug 22. July 7 is the very latest that the cyst can be gone in order to get in by July 25. So I go back on the 7th. My RE told me "not to count on it" being gone. In fact, he wrote me a new prescription for birth control and included 2 refills, so that shows me what he really thinks about the chances of it being gone on the 7th.

So it's looking like it'll be the end of August before we can move forward with the FET (frozen embryo transfer). The good news is, they're having great success with the FET's lately. Last year they had a 50% success rate for my age group. So once we get that perfect environment for them, we do have good chances of success. That news lifted my spirits a bit.

It's always hard going to the RE's office. He works out of the hospital that Chase died in. The exam room yesterday smelled like Chase smelled when they handed him to me. It must be whatever they use to clean there...but it definitely is emotional every time I go there.

So I guess I'll just keep working on my weight loss...8 pounds to date...and I'll wait. I can't help thinking that it'd be pretty cool if I got pregnant while on birth control. Wouldn't that be the perfect end to the story? But then, that's my end, not necessarily God's end ;-)