Sunday, June 7, 2009

A Change of Seasons

A year ago I was hitting the end of fertility treatments. I'd never liked the idea of my babies being frozen, but with IVF that was the only thing I could do to give my babies a shot at life...So when Chase died my heart and mind turned to those frozen babies sitting in their test tubes. I had failed one baby and wanted to rescue the others as soon as I was healthy. But that took longer than I'd hoped. Last June when I went in to get ready to start a cycle for a frozen embryo transfer (FET) they found a large cyst on my ovary. The doctor didn't want to move forward with the cycle until that cyst cleared up because the hormones released by the ovary could affect an embryo's ability to implant. So I was prescribed birth control pills. I took them for two weeks hoping that they'd shrink my cyst. Instead, when I went back to the doctor I had 4 more cysts (much smaller than the first). I left completely discouraged because my doctor's only advice was to stay on the birth control and wait.

I had reached the end of my rope. I couldn't do it. Birth control pills aren't my favorite anyway because they give me awful canker sores in my mouth and on my tongue--and besides, if they were supposed to keep my body from making more cysts they obviously weren't doing their job! So in tears I called my doctor's office and told them I was taking a break. The nurse agreed with me (I'm sure I sounded a little unbalanced on that phone call!)

That summer I was refreshed and renewed. I exercised and counted calories (not that it helped me lose weight, but I was finally in control of something in my life and it felt good!).

This June is different:But in many ways God has restored what has been lost. I'll always miss my son...and it will hit me at moments like this when I look at the picture of Melissa and me and realize there should be one in the photo album of Nikki and me (we were due days apart too)...But what a blessing to have another friend to share the excitement of pregnancy with me! What a blessing to be expecting the daughter I never thought I'd have. My babies are all home now, one way or another. Many of them I won't see until I reach heaven's gates--but they are in good Hands...

For those who grieve, it doesn't really end, but it does get gentler. It's the strangest things that bring that ache back too...I catch myself saying that I don't know what I'd do with 2 boys (you know...when Aiden is riding helter skelter down the driveway and nearly flipping his tricycle)...and then my eyes well up because I feel like I should never even think that. I was blessed to have my 2nd boy and I feel as though I've been a traitor to his memory for even thinking that two boys would be too much! Even so, the pain isn't that heavy, can't-breathe-anymore pain that I had at first. It's gentler--kind of like the misty rain that brings on the rainbow and soaks gardens in the spring to bear fruit in the summer...Seasons change...winter brings spring and spring turns to summer. As long as God wills it, life goes on...