Thursday, May 8, 2008


I was talking to a well-meaning friend the other day. She told me that she thought maybe all I had needed during the past two years was to get pregnant to solve the question of my infertility. Now that I've been pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get pregnant again quickly. She even had a story of a friend who couldn't get pregnant and then got pregnant and was able to get pregnant again rather quickly despite the doctors grim prognosis that she would never have another child.

Trust me, there is nothing in the world I want more right now than to be pregnant quickly this time. But there's a problem with that. My desire should be to be able to say that there is nothing in the world that I want more right now than for God's will to be done. But I have a hard time saying that because it scares me. What if God's will is for me to have no more children?

My priorities are out of order and I want them back in line, but I just don't know how to let go of this desire to have another baby. My heart cries out for another baby. How do I get to a place where I can honestly say, God's will be done. Not that in my saying that I allow God to do His will. God's will will be done regardless of whether or not I "give permission".

But I want my life, my words, all that I am to glorify my God. If I can't let go of this desire, I fear that I won't be glorifying God. How do I come to a place of complete surrender?

I've come close. Every now and then I have peace and I begin to think that I'll be o.k. if our family is complete as it is. But then I walk into a store and see the baby aisle and the lump rises in my throat as the tears well in my eyes and the desire for another baby is back, mixed with the grief that I feel for the baby I buried. And once again, I'm reminded that there is something that I desperately want, and I no longer feel like I'll be o.k. without it. Surrender evades me once again as I clutch this dream back to my heart.

I'm going to be praying that I can come to a place where I can say, "not my will, but Yours be done" and mean it. In the meantime, I'm clinging to the promise of grace for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Infection...Part two

I'm in a bad place today.

Yesterday I found out that some swabs my OB did at my follow-up appointment came back showing that I have an infection. I don't know if I still have the same infection that caused my water to break, or if it's something new that grew once the antibiotics kicked out all of the bacteria in my body, good and bad. I've read that antibiotics can sometimes cause more harm by killing off even the good bacteria, which allows the bad guys to flourish if they get in there.

I'm heartbroken. I'm fearful. I just can't do any more bad news. It has been a long six weeks.

I thought we were going to be moving forward at this point. Now I don't know if we'll ever be able to have another baby again and I'm sick to my stomach over it.

The game plan is for me to be on antibiotics for 10 days. After the 10 days, I'll go back for another swab test. If it's negative for infection we'll move forward with a frozen embryo transfer next month. If it comes back positive, that transfer will obviously be on hold, but my bigger fear at that point is that this infection might be too big to get rid of. And I don't know what happens next if that's the case.

If you have time to pray, please lift me up. Please pray that God will remove the infection from my body and prevent recurrences. I just want to be healed. Losing Chase was bad enough, now I'm losing my health. What more can I lose without losing my sanity as well?

Like I said, I'm in a bad place right now.