Thursday, May 8, 2008

Surrender

I was talking to a well-meaning friend the other day. She told me that she thought maybe all I had needed during the past two years was to get pregnant to solve the question of my infertility. Now that I've been pregnant, maybe I'll be able to get pregnant again quickly. She even had a story of a friend who couldn't get pregnant and then got pregnant and was able to get pregnant again rather quickly despite the doctors grim prognosis that she would never have another child.

Trust me, there is nothing in the world I want more right now than to be pregnant quickly this time. But there's a problem with that. My desire should be to be able to say that there is nothing in the world that I want more right now than for God's will to be done. But I have a hard time saying that because it scares me. What if God's will is for me to have no more children?

My priorities are out of order and I want them back in line, but I just don't know how to let go of this desire to have another baby. My heart cries out for another baby. How do I get to a place where I can honestly say, God's will be done. Not that in my saying that I allow God to do His will. God's will will be done regardless of whether or not I "give permission".

But I want my life, my words, all that I am to glorify my God. If I can't let go of this desire, I fear that I won't be glorifying God. How do I come to a place of complete surrender?

I've come close. Every now and then I have peace and I begin to think that I'll be o.k. if our family is complete as it is. But then I walk into a store and see the baby aisle and the lump rises in my throat as the tears well in my eyes and the desire for another baby is back, mixed with the grief that I feel for the baby I buried. And once again, I'm reminded that there is something that I desperately want, and I no longer feel like I'll be o.k. without it. Surrender evades me once again as I clutch this dream back to my heart.

I'm going to be praying that I can come to a place where I can say, "not my will, but Yours be done" and mean it. In the meantime, I'm clinging to the promise of grace for those who are in Christ Jesus.
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3 comments:

Melissa said...

Els.. I am immediately reminded of Abraham & Isaac... and how somehow Abraham had the faith to lay his son on that altar not already knowing at all that God would end up sparing him at the final moment. He surrendered without secretly hoping that as soon as he surrendered, God would give back to him what he was sacrificing. And so many times, I find myself being honest and knowing that I don't surrender completely like that. I surrender sometimes like I already know the end of the story. I only give with the hope that like Isaac, what I am sacrificing will come right back to me as soon as I get to that magical "point of surrender." But then I realize that even in such desire for surrender, I am trying to manipulate the perfect plan of the Father. He isn't just testing us for the sake of testing, He wants us to recognize Him as the source of all. He wants our trust, our love. You have already placed your sacrifice on the altar. You are daily laying down your "right to grieve," your "right to give into despair and hopelessness and pity" and you are saying with your life: Jesus I know what you have promised me, and while it may not come as I had hoped or in the means I expected, I trust You will fulfill your promise. I have found that in the times I am trying soooo hard to give the Lord a perfect surrender, I have to just come before Him broken and honest and just tell Him that I know my heart isn't fully surrendered, and that I am still clinging to the desires of my heart, but even though I can't find the strength to give up those desires, I can offer Him myself. I tell Him that I offer Him my heart to transform, my mind to renew and my will to conform to His. I admit that I can't even do that on my own, but I give Him myself and ask Him to do what it takes to make my heart pleasing to Him. And He is faithful. Sometimes He has changed my heart, and other times He has given me peace that my desires are godly. When you don't have the strength to surrender, just tell Him and stop striving. There is great peace just in that. Love you, friend.

May 8, 2008 at 4:47 PM
Jess said...

Elsie, I could have written that myself (though not so eloquently :) I have been struggling with the same feelings. I think Mel's right on, though. This prayer structure that I've been using lately says to keep on praying for your heart's desire until God shows you what you truly desire. My heart's desire is to have more children, but i want it to be to grow in my love and knowledge of Him. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting there. As you said, like I think I'll be okay if we don't have anymore kids. It's hard.
Thanks for sharing, both of you.

May 8, 2008 at 7:53 PM
The Perreca Family said...

You put it so beautifully. Heartbreakingly. Honestly. I had the same thoughts and struggles with our infertility- and clung to the same Biblical examples your friends mentioned. I also clung to the hope that since God had given me a desire to have kids that He would either fill that desire or take it away. Part of that was easy to pray for, the other part I couldn't voice some days. Like you friends say, it's good to admit to God that you can't do something. That is the wonderful part of serving our God- He isn't upset or put off by our admitting we can't. It's in these times that He CAN and He DOES. I'm praying for you dear friend! These are tough, tough days. Thankfully you serve and are daughter of an amazing God!

May 12, 2008 at 6:13 PM

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