Fatigue

To be honest...I completely forgot about posting the ultrasound pictures. Fatigue will do that to you. I'm assuming fatigue is a good thing, and I'm thankful for it! My back is better though. I actually heard it pop back into place. Yikes. But I'm just glad I was on my feet and moving again within a couple of days! At this point, I have my first doctors appointment with my OB on Friday. I'm hoping she'll do an ultrasound there and I'll post the pictures of that one--since the baby will have arms and legs at this point, rather than being a blob with a yolk sac. It amazes how quickly these babies grow. My transfer of a 4 and 6 cell embryo wasn't even 2 months ago, and I have a baby with arms and legs who is the size of a plum growing in me. It's amazing! So I'm hoping to get some pictures of that to post...We'll see.

Even with the excitement of the new baby, there are moments when times are hard and I miss the baby that would've, should've, could've been here this Christmas. I'm thankful we have the new baby. I think things would've been unbearable if we didn't. And I know that no matter how fun Christmas is here...Chase is having a far better time celebrating and dwelling with the Savior every single day. It's the only thing that gets me through.

The Ultrasound

Well...after throwing my back out this morning, my joyous news is only hampered by the pain I have and the fact that I can't take any delicious painkillers to help me through...because...We had one healthy baby with a good heartbeat! I have been released to my regular OB, so she will begin my high-risk care. My first appointment with her is December 12. The baby was measuring 7 weeks and 2 days, which makes my estimated due date 7/8/09 :-). I'll try to post the ultrasound pics when my back is better and I'm moving again...based on the level of pain, it may be a week or two....Ouch!

Waiting for an ultrasound

That's right...I've been moved past the constant blood checks and into the queue for an ultrasound. November 21 we should be seeing the bean(s). My number yesterday was 780, that's a 155% increase. Yay! Now I can stop visiting the vampires every 3 days and just enjoy the pregnancy until the ultrasound. I'll keep you all updated.

Cautiously optimistic

My number today was 192. My RE says that he is cautiously optimistic, but wants me to do another blood draw on Monday. This is what the HCG calculator said about my rate:

The Two-Day hCG rise was 133 % and is considered adequate.

From what I've read they like to see a 60% rise...so I feel like I can be cautiously optimistic as well. Please keep praying. All of the kind e-mails and just knowing that so many of you are praying for us means the world to me.

Love,
Elsie and Baby Bean(s)

HCG numbers

For those who aren't familiar with HCG numbers this is a good synopsis:

http://blogs.webmd.com/healthy-pregnancy/2005/11/hcg-levels-and-ultrasounds-in-early_30.html

My number yesterday was 54. Apparently that's low, so I'll be going in Friday to make sure that my numbers are going up as they should. As you can see from the above article, numbers being low isn't a huge deal, but the nurse at the IVF clinic made it sound as though it was a sure sign of miscarriage. She even said "continue with the estrogen and progesterone for now" as though on Friday I would have to come off of it so that my body could get rid of the pregnancy. The following link has a guideline to HCG levels during pregnancy. I was 4weeks and 0 days on the day they took my blood.

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/duringpregnancy/hcglevels.html

As you can see from the chart, 54 isn't an awful number for a 3-4 week pregnancy. It's not as high as many first hcg tests, but that would make sense if the baby implanted late...and the baby implanting late makes sense when you consider that they were 6 and 4 cells. Most day 3 transfers are 7,8, and 9 cell babies. Mine were still shaking off the freezer burn.

So I'm trying hard to stay optimistic. God is in control, not the nurse. It was wrong of her to be so negative and make me feel negative about things, but thankfully God knew this would happen and has already given me the verse "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"...from everything I've read about HCG levels, they don't mean much of anything unless they aren't rising. So I'm not going to lean on human understanding right now, but on the eternal God who knew this baby from the beginning of time and has a specific purpose for his/her life...no matter how long that life span is.

So I'm pregnant. Yay! I'll rejoice today and weep tomorrow if need be.

A Rainbow Baby

On the loss boards that I lived on after Chase died, there was something called a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is the baby that God gives you after you've lost your child. Just as the rainbow was the sign of the covenant between God and Noah that the storm was over and God would never flood the entire earth again, the rainbow is a symbol to those of us who have lost babies that God still loves us and He provides healing and restoration. On Saturday we were outside while Mike was smoking some yummy meat. It had been a rainy, yucky day. It was drizzling and we thought it was weird because the sky was cloudless right over us (although there were clouds surrounding us). While the sun wasn't out, I thought we might find a rainbow. In fact, I prayed for a rainbow just as a sign that everything would be o.k. And what a rainbow it was! I don't know how the story will end. Neither does anyone that God asks to walk by faith. It is frustrating, it is terrifying, it is good...because it is God's will that we learn to trust not on our own understanding, but on God's. I had none of the pregnancy signs I was looking for. I didn't think the cycle had worked. I told my husband our babies were with Chase. God has a different plan: Yes, it is tempting to be terrified of losing this baby after the loss I've endured. After all, I haven't seen a heartbeat, all I know is I have HCG in my pee. I'd love to see that line a little darker...to know for sure that my HCG levels were high and it is a healthy pregnancy, but God commands us to lean not on our own understanding, but in all our ways to acknowledge him and he will make our paths straight. My own understanding doesn't matter right now. I can analyze and try to remember if this line is lighter or darker than the one with Chase, but I would be overlooking the gift. The gift is a pregnancy. I'm thankful today. I'm happy to be pregnant today--no matter what tomorrow may bring.

PUPO

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (PUPO).

Thank you for your prayers! God did provide 2 embryos out of the 4 we thawed. The other 2 didn't make it.

They were not as high quality as the embryos we put back when we conceived Chase, but I've learned that its not really about the quality. I've seen women with poor quality embryos get pregnant and women with high quality embryos end up without a baby. God will decide how my babies do.

So the babies. We'll call them 3m and 2p (they were rated a 3- and 2+ on a 5 point scale, last time we had a 3+ and 4-). 3m was a sloppy looking 6 cell...meaning that the bubbles/cells weren't perfectly rounded. Well, 3m's mama isn't very tidy either, so I say that one just takes after me...2p was perfectly round and beautiful, but since it was only a 4 cell (rather than an 8 or 9 cell), it got a lower score. My RE thought that that one may give us our best chance and may just turn out to be a slow grower.

I wish we had a scanner that worked, I'd post a picture of the babies...yep, they give you a picture to take home with you!

But that's what we're working with. For now I'm just thrilled to be PUPO!

Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your prayers!