The Perfect Job

I've done it. I've started working. It's perfect though because I can work as little or as much as I want...I've become a freelance writer! I just finished my first job and I've already landed a second one that may be more long-term if it works out well. It's perfect because I can take on as much or as little as fits my schedule and I can work when Aiden sleeps.

I have found, that since I've started working I'm depressed less during the day, but on two occasions now I have had nights where I dream that I am mourning Chase the entire night. I wake up crying. I suppose that's my body's way of grieving. And on Sunday I woke up to this crushing grief. I couldn't even go to church because church makes me cry anyway, and I didn't think I wanted to show up at the door already crying. So I stayed home. But the days, for the most part have gotten better. It is getting a little rougher as my estimated due date approaches (August 26), so I do covet your prayers for that.

And also, I want to mention my friend Sarah to you all. She reads here and has been a huge support to me during this loss (she has lost two little ones herself). Her little boy is trying to come early. I believe she is around 32 weeks right now, so just pray that he stays snug for a little while longer.


Alright my friends, thanks for checking in again. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, mainly because I've been trying to kick off this freelance business of mine and also because thankfully, the depression has eased so much for me during the waking hours. Love you all!

Just Chillin'

Thank you so much for your encouragement. The comments you leave remind me that I am not in this alone, I have some prayer warriors at my back! And it makes all of the difference when you are going through rough waters to know that others are there with you, holding you up with prayers.

So I'm trying to find ways to relieve my stress right now. It has been 2 1/2 years of nothing but stress so it's getting out of control. I tried out a yoga class at my gym yesterday. It was so relaxing...until I went to pick up A. from the Kidzone and he decided it'd be a good idea to do the opposite of everything I asked him to do. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? I loved it though, so I'll definitely go back.

I'm also trying to figure out what in the world I'm supposed to do right now with my life. A. is at the age where he should start preschool in the fall. I go back and forth on sending him. So what do I do with that time? Look for a job? I'm not sure if this is just supposed to be a time of peace and quiet and waiting or if I'm supposed to be going on with my life and doing something. I guess I'm entitled to a little peaceful waiting at this point, but I feel so unproductive with no infant to care for. A. needs so little from me these days that I wonder why I don't go get a "real" job. We'll see...

I give up

I can't do this anymore. I can't eat because birth control pills give me horrible canker sores on my tongue. I currently have two (after only 2 weeks), which means I'm on a liquid diet and slurring my speech. All of this for a drug that doesn't seem to be helping anyway. The thought of staying on the pill indefinitely while my sores get worse and worse is incomprehensible right now. So I give up. I called my RE's nurse today and asked if things would get worse if I went off of the pill and she kind of laughed and said, "it can't get any worse." Gee thanks...

So after talking to Mike we've decided that for both my physical and mental well being it was time for a break. We've got a beach vacation coming up with my family in September. I'd love to be svelte and thin by then. So I'm going to focus on my weight loss and let myself have a break from this. Too bad I can't just take a break from my grief. But really that is getting better. Yesterday was his 3 month anniversary, so it was a tough day, and today is tough, but overall things have been better.

Please when you remember us, just pray for a time of peace and rest in the coming months. It has been a long road, but we haven't had to travel it alone. God's goodness does not depend on my circumstances. He is good ALL of the time.

Update

Well, my appointment didn't bring the good news I was praying for. Not only do I still have the cyst, but that ovary has produced about 5 more follicles, and it looks like I may have even ovulated (all of this while on birth control!). The IVF lab here closes from July 25-Aug 22. July 7 is the very latest that the cyst can be gone in order to get in by July 25. So I go back on the 7th. My RE told me "not to count on it" being gone. In fact, he wrote me a new prescription for birth control and included 2 refills, so that shows me what he really thinks about the chances of it being gone on the 7th.

So it's looking like it'll be the end of August before we can move forward with the FET (frozen embryo transfer). The good news is, they're having great success with the FET's lately. Last year they had a 50% success rate for my age group. So once we get that perfect environment for them, we do have good chances of success. That news lifted my spirits a bit.

It's always hard going to the RE's office. He works out of the hospital that Chase died in. The exam room yesterday smelled like Chase smelled when they handed him to me. It must be whatever they use to clean there...but it definitely is emotional every time I go there.

So I guess I'll just keep working on my weight loss...8 pounds to date...and I'll wait. I can't help thinking that it'd be pretty cool if I got pregnant while on birth control. Wouldn't that be the perfect end to the story? But then, that's my end, not necessarily God's end ;-)

Waiting patiently (again)...

Well, there will be no frozen embryo transfer in the near future. I went to the doctor on Friday only to find out that I have a huge cyst on my left ovary. I was a bit shocked by that. I've never had problems before and I haven't been on any fertility drugs for over 6 months. I can only attribute it (as I attribute everything else in my life) to God. For some reason, this is not yet the time. So I wait again. For the first time in 4 years I am on birth control pills. It seems counter-intuitive, but it's the best way to help the cyst dissolve.

I was really upset for the first 40 minutes or so after finding out the news. It is so hard to keep getting told that I have to wait even longer. But eventually I just felt peaceful about it. I don't know what's in store, but I'm tired of the process. I can't even get upset about it anymore because it is what it is. I can't change it. God is in control though, and I trust that this is the best thing for me at this time.

I'll keep you all posted. I have to go back in 2 weeks to check on the cyst. Once it's gone, we'll go ahead with things, but for now I'm waiting on God...again.

Starting Over

Now that I've been through two cycles post-miscarriage, I am able to move forward with fertility treatment. We weren't "not trying" the past couple of cycles. An "oops" would've been so welcome at this point. It just confirms for me that we need help in getting pregnant. It's hard, when you've been pregnant twice on your own, to think that you could really have a problem. But we do.

So we're going back in a few weeks to get our frozen embryos. It has been really frustrating to go through this again. All I could think as I was hounding the pharmacy for my drugs and trying to coordinate paperwork between my OB and RE was, "I shouldn't be doing this, I should be washing Aiden's newborn clothes and putting together a nursery."

I don't know that I have the heart to go through this for much longer. We're going to use up our frozen embryos. We only have 4, so I have a feeling that will only get us this one cycle (since 4 of my other 6 embryos failed to develop before). So this is it for us. As I look at the progesterone needles and cringe (those things are as long as my thumb and I still get phantom pains from my last IVF cycle where I had those shots) I remind myself that this is it.

I just can't do another round of IVF. Frankly, our insurance money is running out. You don't get a do-over if the baby dies, you still lose that money. And it's hard to think about draining our bank account for another round of what I just went through. I guess I'm just not brave enough.

So please keep us and our little babies in your prayers. It doesn't seem fair to lose Chase the way we did and not be given another baby to hold, but our God is just and sometimes that's not the same as fair. He sees a bigger picture than what I see. I trust that, but I've been asking Him a lot lately about how I'm supposed to go on now if I can't have another child to hold. I don't have an answer to that yet, but I know He hears my questions, and that's enough. He loves me. He's doing what's best for me. I just have to trust that.

In about 18 days (depending on how my body responds to the drugs), we'll be defrosting the babies and bringing them home in their mama. I'll be keeping you all posted because I really covet your prayers. There is a lot riding on this, though I'm trying not to think about that. For now, you can pray that my body does exactly what it needs to do to get ready to grow these babies.

Thank you, dear friends.

Good News!

Thank you all for your prayers. It has been so hard for me to get online long enough to post lately because I've been getting back to the gym each day...and for some reason that takes a chunk of time out of my day! But I wanted to let you know that the antibiotics did kick out my infection. Yay! Praise God! I was so worried when I found out that I still had an infection after all of those drugs in the hospital!

Thank you all for praying.