Monday, April 14, 2008

Naptime

It's the quiet time of day for me. Aiden's naptime. It's the hard time of my day because I can sit and be still. No interruptions. This is when I relive the moments of Chase's life, and inevitably the circumstances around his death.

This is when I want my baby. I want to be sleep-deprived and struggling through the first weeks of nursing. Don't get me wrong, I would never blame a tired new mom for complaining about these things that I want. I've been there, and I know it's painful. It's just that this pain is so much worse. I'll be the meekest new mom you've ever seen when the time comes again. I hope I get another chance. After 2 years of infertility, it's hard to keep my chin up about that.

I've heard so many times how lucky I am to have Aiden. And I am thankful, I'm not denying that blessing for a minute. It's just that it feels like people try to minimize the pain that I feel over losing Chase, just because I have another child. It's not like you can swap them out. Chase would have had his own temperament, ambitions, and likes. I mourn the loss of who he was. Does that make sense?

2 comments:

The Perreca Family said...

Your comments make total sense. I am praying for you as you grieve.

Jess said...

It absolutely makes sense, Elsie. I've had people say that to me, "Be thankful for the daughter you do have". How could I not be?! Just because you're grieving doesn't mean you've forgotten about your previous blessings. I'm praying God will grow your family soon.